- When passing through security, you will realize your 5 year-old’s as-yet undiscovered penchant for sharp, shiny objects hidden in his pockets: “Madam, would you like to store this highly dangerous stiletto-shaped gum wrapper for the duration of your vacation?“
- Your assigned gate will always be the furthest possible location from security. It will require 4 escalators, 6 moving pathways, and a trek with a dwarf Himalayan donkey named Oatey.
Then, you’ll hear an announcement for a gate change … to the gate right next to security.
- Boarding announcements will occur as follows: “we would like to invite our guests in super-elite, ultra-privileged, and … (audible sigh) PeopleWithSmallChildrenandThosewithDifficultyBoarding to come up the gate.”
You take solace in the fact that as you trudge past all the aforementioned people, most of whom clearly believe themselves to be very serious and important and completely above mere mortals in Economy, most of them will be accosted by your precociously friendly child, have an indeterminately sticky hand placed somewhere on their thousand dollar business suit, and be invited to his next birthday party.
- Once on board, your child will attempt to sit in each and every row in the manner of a human pinball ricocheting in slow-motion down the aisles. This is why you (and not the super-elites) really need that extra time boarding.
- Once seated, your child will move the tray table up and down 43 times, adjust the arm rest 37 times, open and close the window shade so quickly you think there’s a strobe light on board, and fasten and re-fasten their seat belt 68 times. Just as they seem to finally be settling, the fasten seat belt sign goes on. And it is at that moment that your child announces they need to use the washroom.
- Your child will be very, very excited about the idea of airplane food … and very, very disappointed by its physical reality. This means that for the next several hours your child will subsist on the broken candy bars and breath mints you scrounge from the bottom of your purse, supplemented by the hard candies you brought to help with ear-popping. The result isn’t so much as a sugar high as opposed to a sugar-induced out of body experience.
- Your child will want to watch every movie available. Twice. All that time you’d planned to have them sleep on the plane? Nope. All that time you’d planned to sleep on the plane? Think again.
- There will be someone – another child or perhaps an elderly person – with whom your child will be obsessed and will insist on greeting, visiting, and chatting with despite your attempts to separate them. Invariably, that other person will not want to have anything to do with your child.
- Approximately 30 minutes before landing, your child will fall into a deep and unresponsive sleep. Plaintive attempts to rouse them to sit upright for landing will fall on unhearing ears. You will be required to prop your child upright as they drool onto your sleeve.
9 1/2 . Approximately 15 minutes before landing, your child will awaken with an absolute quest to visit the washroom one.more.time. before landing. Despite your best efforts at super-human speed, you’ll find yourself trying to re-dress a squirming child in 13 square feet while a flight attendant hammers on the door and demands you return to your seat.
- No matter how difficult, arduous, uncomfortable or downright torturous, you’ll still emerge from the aircraft thinking “well, that wasn’t that bad”. Why? Because you have arrived safe and sound with the little people you love the most. And because wherever you’ve landed, it probably wine o’clock very shortly!
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